Iceland, Trip Itinerary

After an eight-hour flight, Alison and I arrived at Keflavik airport and were picked up by the Happy Camper guy. Our vehicle is a 2016 Nissan dci. It’s easy to drive! It notifies you when you should be up or down shifting and has an automatic windshield wiping mechanism that I can’t figure out how it works (it goes faster when there’s more rain–how does it know?!). The tires have metal spikes sticking out of them as well. Ooooh! And the seat scoots up far enough so I can comfortably press down the clutch all the way. Thanks, Jake, for re-teaching me how to stick shift drive and for letting me wear down the clutch 🙂 I haven’t had much trouble other than adjusting to the lack of stop signs! They have roundabouts and yield signs instead. There are one-way bridges here and there, but you just have to coordinate with someone else going in the other direction by flashing your high beams. There aren’t too many cars on the road, though. There will be even fewer once we get Northeast.

Thursday morning, we woke up at 5 to backtrack from Vik a little and check out some waterfalls and Black Sand Beach. After a bit of driving again, we reached Glacier Bay, then backtracked to where we need to be tomorrow morning for our Glacier hike.

Note: we have wifi in our campervan, but only when the van is on. Posts may be written a bit earlier than the post day/time. Feel free to email/message me, and I’ll eventually get back to you. Keep in mind that we are currently 7 hours ahead of Pacific time. I’m the only one driving, though, so don’t expect too much in-depth responses. Deal with it!

Our Happy Camper van!

Seljalandsfoss Waterfall

You can walk behind it!

Skógafoss Waterfall

From the mini hike to the top

Black Sand Beach’s basalt columns

Glacier Bay

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After seven months of wellness calling with Damon Wellness Consulting every Monday night, Jessica had me create an intention for this trip. I eventually came up with “to let minimal living affect how I live when I return back, allowing me to focus on the important things in life, which are relationships and positive state of mind.”
It was really interesting to see how much I accumulated just over two years in our last Oakland house. I tried picking up too many hobbies (sewing, basket weaving…) and never fully committed to any of them. It’s great to want to keep on learning, but sometimes, you have to step back and see if you’ve chewed off more than you can bite.

The latter of the intention is clear, yet I always find myself struggling with it. I have grown away from the “everyone/everything is amazing!” crap that I believed when I came back from living in Paris for a year. I’ve definitely experienced bullshit here and there and realized how selfish and greedy people can be, so I ended up shying away from my old friends and being comfortable with being around very few people, resulting in becoming exhausted by the little bit of socializing I did.

Long story short, I plan to focus on strengthening the relationships I currently have with my friends and family that I know appreciate and love me the same I do for them. A part of my post-Paris mindset of “everything I say or do will be out of good intention for you” will come back, but I will not forget that I also would like to rebuild my relationship with myself. That means letting go of things that will make me a negative person and enforcing the things that make me want to be better. This may all sound woo-woo and cheesy to some, but this shit is really important. I refuse to harbor pessimism and negativity in my life because that makes nobody happy!

I hope I read this post in a few months (did I mention that our trip will maybe possibly be 4-6 +/- ?) and smile at how far I have come. BUT OBVIOUSLY not smile in a picture for y’all. So boring ;p

Refurbishing

It’s about time to pick this up again. Since the last time I posted, a few things have changed but most haven’t—same job, same house, mostly the same people in my life, and still climbing. I also have gone on a couple sick climbing trips, got my bad kidney taken out, and have been trying to eat less cookies and meat. I know I’m being pretty superficial about life updates, but let’s keep it short and simple right now.

I’m not down for bombarding images on social media very often, so I’ll be posting the majority of images that I take and experiences that I encounter on this site. Things will pick up again toward the beginning of April.

You may or may not have noticed the change in name: MFoHo. I’ve finally decided I’m sticking to this pen name/label. It’s easy to remember and fun to say ;D! It’d also be chill if I consistently remembered to introduce myself as “Em”! Whoops.

Just like when I left for my 11-month long exchange in Europe, I’m just as afraid as I was then to commence a new chapter. I have to remember how I felt when I came back, though, so I can stop freaking the shit out (I’m not even going to be gone for that long).

Vous doit profitez!

—an old French professor, basically meaning “carpe diem,” “take advantage,” or for the young’n “YOLO”

You will never be happy if you continue to search for what happiness consists of. You will never live if you are looking for the meaning of life.

—Albert Camus, basically meaning “DGAF” ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Shou Sugi Ban

Shou Sugi Ban is a Japanese technique of burning/charring/torching wood’s surface to make it more fire resistant and prevent rot and insects.  PLUS!  It’s freakin’ beautiful.  Jake taught me his method of burning wood for his art pieces.  We use wax to seal our pieces in the end, but I think we should try a wood oil next time.

Shou Sugi Ban – Dragon with Flower

I made Jake’s Etsy store, HammerFistClan!  Only one item so far, but I have to edit and put watermarks on more images before posting more items.  I should also write more of a description for the process of these sculptures.  Oh well, good enough for now!

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Sooo… I got myself a birthday present last week. I bought an iMac with the retina display.  Editing images on there with Adobe Lightroom is pretty awesome.  I MIGHT end up buying a monthly license after the trial is over, but I just did a cross platform license swap for CS6 Design Standard!  Therefore, I might just stick with editing on Photoshop.  Getting closer to never leaving my computer (except for climbing!).  It’s also easier to study on this computer–I mean 2 full pages side by side on a 27″ screen?!  I’m jumping from a 15″ laptop screen by the way.

Note to self: do not buy a refurbished laptop again.  It’s not really worth sacrificing a little bit of money for so much frustration.  Besides, laptops get updated every year or so, AND they don’t last as long as desktops.  If I had the patience and knowledge to build my own PC (sorry, Andrew!), I would.  If I’m going to be helping Jake with his business, though, I gotta get shit done now!  Life is now work, climb, edit photos, make shit, try to sell shit, and study!!!

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Okay, I may have scared people with my last post with my health falling apart and what not.  My corneal ulcer is healed.  I have an MRI scan in two weeks for my kidney.  My urologist is thinking about removing my left kidney since I’ve had quite a few infections since, well, ten years ago, haha!  It really would be nice to not have an infection every couple/few months.  Besides, my right kidney is perfectly fine!  The left one is dumb.  I feel like for my next post I’ll finally write about my surgery 10 years ago.  I talked to Lauren recently, and I realized that I suppressed quite a few things.  I guess that happens when the pain is so much that you feel like you’re gonna die!  That’s about it health-wise.  I’m alive.  Good enough for now!  Haha.

Yearning for a Trader of Immunity

I have a corneal ulcer on my eye. It’s a small hole on the lens, slightly off to the top so not in front of the pupil. The cornea is able to heal itself, but it needs some help with antibiotic drops. Left untreated, corneal ulcers can lead to permanent scarring (or loss of the eye, but that’s if it’s really bad).

I might also have a bladder/kidney infection. Who knows. It has its own mind. Last night I felt the left side kind of scrunch up and it hurt for a second. It was really weird. I emailed my urologist about it. I already went in for a urine test Monday morning, but it takes about 48 hours to get results.

Since I’m turning 26 next month, I applied for health care. Yayyy. After looking at all the options I had, it pretty much made sense to get a platinum plan. It’s a better move for me to stick with Kaiser because they already have all my records and can easily look back. It got tiring going to the health center at Cal Poly and explaining to every new doctor about my kidney. Anyway, Kaiser’s platinum plan is going to cost almost as much as my car payment.

Money, oh money. I hate you. You stink. I wish I could wash you away in the sink. I’m never expecting a birthday/holiday present ever again. Nor do I want one. Save your money.

Surprisingly, I haven’t had an episode with my precordial catch syndrome in a while–maybe a couple or few months! In lieu of sharp pains in my chest, though, are frequent nightmares having to do with death. There’s always a lot of death and blood. My muscles and my left eye have been twitching. I have heart palpitations as well.

It has been too stressful lately to do any studying. I just want to relax when I go home. Or climb.

Things could be better. Things could be worse. Today is not a good writing day. I apologize.

Seven Years, Five Months

One year ago today, July, 21, my Grandma passed away. You and I have heard everything you need to say to someone in grieving. I’m grateful for those words. Yet, the frequency and intensity of my tears have prolonged longer and stronger than I had expected.

My family did not foresee my grandma living seven years and five months past her stroke in February 2007. In a way, I’m expelling seven years’ worth of sadness for her seven years of suffering. Because of her stroke, my grandma lost her speech, the ability to control the right side of her body, and some mental capacity.

She was goddamn strong. Nobody could mess with her. When she lost her strength (in a way she didn’t–ask every single person that took care of her, including me), that was a really hard blow from which she could not fully recover. Like I just mentioned in my sidenote, she was still strong. Stubborn would be the word we would have used when she was still alive. She gave up exercising a while after her stroke because she broke (fractured?) her leg when trying to regain her mobility, but she was still unusually strong.

She always enjoyed cleanliness–morning and night routines–so getting her downstairs or into bed was always so straining for the person helping her. Looking back, I wish I let her brush her teeth and shower her for as long as she wanted. But we didn’t. We’d fight, pull, and yell with her nearly everyday. It drained us. She knew and we knew that it was exhausting to sit and wait for her for fifteen minutes to brush her teeth, but cleaning was all she had left. We wouldn’t and couldn’t stay with her and my grandpa the whole day. That made me feel guilty.

I wish I didn’t go to college three hours away so I could help out more often. I wish I didn’t study abroad in Paris for a year so I could visit home. I wish I didn’t get the jobs I got so I could help the family not spend so much money on caregivers. I wanted to sacrifice for her just as much as she had for my brother and me. But that’s not what she wanted for us. She did everything for us so we could take advantage of the opportunities we had. It was because of her (and my other grandparents, and my parents, etc.) that I was privileged enough to get where I am in life. She didn’t want to be a burden.

This is where I put myself in her shoes, and the empathic me might get fucking depressing. Grandma did not want us to remember her like that. I know what she was thinking. I knew a huge part of her wished that she would have died back in 2007. As much as she wanted to see her kids and grandkids be happy, she thought that her still being alive was taking that away. Maybe that’s why she’d scream at us for no reason sometimes–so we’d just go away and remember her the way she was before. Grandma that would arrange the holiday gatherings and cook dinner all the time. Grandma that picked us up from school (and brought us for a long time), drove us around for swim lessons and treats. Grandma that encouraged me to sing and dance (and take embarrassing preschool photos). She felt like she couldn’t give to us anymore. That’s all she wanted to do for us.

I can’t write much more. Just know that when I cry now, that’s why. Suppressing is unhealthy. I should have written this a long time ago. I should have done many things, but all I can do now is be thankful for my life because of her and everyone else that has influenced me.

I love you, Grandma.

Mr. Blue Sky & Mr. Night Become the Empath

When I found out my personality type recently and read about it, I got very emotional. I nearly cried. Why? It felt like someone actually understood me when most everyone else seemed to only say they understood me.

Then, I found out that I was an empath–one that is “affected by other people’s energies [and has] an innate ability to intuitively feel and perceive others”. Side note, I’ll be quoting from this article a bit, which would be great to read also. Reading that, well, now I should be crying. It explains the times I couldn’t find words or think clearly (clouding of consciousness?).

Here are the listeners of life. They can be outgoing, bubbly, enthusiastic and a joy to be in the presence of, as well as highly humorous at the most unusual moments! On the flip side, empaths can be weighted with mood swings that will have others around them want to jump overboard and abandon ship! The thoughts and feelings empaths receive from any and all in their life can be so overwhelming (if not understood) that their moods can fluctuate with lightning speed. One moment they may be delightfully happy and with a flick of the switch, miserable.

Abandoning an empath in the throes of alternating moods can create detrimental effects. A simple return of empathic love–listening and caring compassionately without bias, judgment and/or condemnation–can go an incredibly long way to an empath’s instant recovery. Many empaths don’t understand what is occurring within them. They literally have no idea that another person’s emotions are now felt, as one’s own and reflected outwardly. They are confused as to how one moment all was well, and then the next, they feel so depressed, alone, etc. The need to understand the possibilities of empath connection is a vital part of the empaths journey for themselves and for those around them.

Overwhelming emotions–>confusion–>mood swings. I was just about to say that I apologize for that, but then it would mean I was apologizing for a part of me I can’t control. Therefore, something would be wrong with me. So… I’m not going to apologize for that. I’ll just move onto how maybe this has (probably) affected my health instead.

Empaths are more inclined to pick up another’s feelings and project it back without realizing its origin in the first place. Talking things out is a major factor in releasing emotions in the learning empath. Empaths can develop an even stronger degree of understanding so that they can find peace in most situations. The downside is that empaths may bottle up emotions and build barriers sky-high so as to not let others know of their innermost thoughts and/or feelings. This withholding of emotional expression can be a direct result of a traumatic experience, an expressionless upbringing, or simply being told as a child, “Children are meant to be seen and not heard!”

Without a doubt, this emotional withholding can be detrimental to one’s health, for the longer one’s thoughts and/or emotions aren’t released, the more power they build. The thoughts and/or emotions can eventually becoming explosive, if not crippling. The need to express oneself honestly is a form of healing and a choice open to all. To not do so can result in a breakdown of the person and result in mental/emotional instability or the creation of a physical ailment, illness or disease.

It’s like how people are prone to getting sick when they’re stressed. I might just be stressed all the time because I’m internalizing everyone else’s woes. Hm, no wonder why I was always sick in college.

I needed to get off of Facebook. Many are often yelling out to the world how they’re not doing enough good for society. You guys should be like ME and care about [blahblahblah] to better your/someone else’s life otherwise you’re a sheep! If everyone’s doing that, we’re all sheep, and we’re just pointing out that we are all bad people. I needed to get away from that. I need to surround myself with positivity and optimism. Impossible, I know, but I’ll try. We all don’t want people telling us we’re invalidated or a bad person or wrong because we like/dislike or care/not care about something. Just because someone doesn’t live their life like yours or have the same beliefs/preferences, you don’t need to judge them. Anyway, enough of that rant again. Just thinking about it makes my stomach uneasy.

So here’s my cry out to… whomever. Be a better listener. Try to put yourself in someone else’s shoes and empathize with them. It’s fine if you can understand what they’re feeling, but if you try to feel what they’re feeling, they won’t be so alone. Stop telling people they’re just like everyone else, that you’ve been there before so it’s normal. Even if it’s more or less true. Sometimes, just smiling, hugging, being with someone does more than saying that shit. “Less is more.”

Perdu

I’m forcing myself to write because it’s one of those days where I cannot think straight again. I know what I feel. I can’t find the words. If I was to express myself through interpretive dance right now, I would be in a fetal position. If I was to find a song that captures what is on my mind, it would be the Jeopardy theme. The goddamn Jeopardy theme. And it would play the whole f*cking day.

I probably should climb tonight. Even if I’m feeling lost, I won’t feel lost and stuck. I guess it’s better to feel like I’m climbing my way through this debacle than to stagnantly wander within myself.

Since my cloudy thoughts are clearly preventing me from writing anything significant, I’ll start bulleting.

• Some people are more audio-oriented or visually-oriented, especially when it comes to learning. I think there are some of us that are tactically-oriented.
• Jake watches TV shows to do something mindless after a tough day at work. I confess that my version of that mindlessness is playing Candy Crush Soda.
• Instead of playing games, I really should be studying. It’s really difficult to start when files are a mess, though.
• I haven’t been working on my one arm pull-ups.
• I may need to sacrifice a bit of climbing to focus on the AREs.
• I absolutely love taking pictures of Jake’s artwork. And editing!

Check out HUDSON FORGE CO.

Lily pad and cherry blossom tree jewelry stand

Don’t let anyone invalidate you and your reactions.

It is not unusual for us to feel that life is too much for us. And it is not unusual to feel that we really should be up to it; that there may be too much to cope with – too many demands – but that we should have the wherewithal to deal with it. Faced with the stresses and strains of everyday life it is easy now for people to feel that they are failing; and what they are failing at, one way or another, is managing the ordinary excesses that we are all beset by: too much frustration, too much bad feeling, too little love, too little success, and so on. One of the things people most frequently say in psychoanalysis is, ‘Perhaps I am overreacting, but . . .’; and one of the commonest complaints today is about feeling too much or feeling too little. I want to suggest that we are simply too much for ourselves, but that this too-muchness is telling us something important… My proposition is that it is impossible to overreact. That when we call our reactions overreactions what we mean is just that they are stronger than we would like them to be. In other words, we sometimes call ourselves and other people excessive as a way of invalidating or tempering the truths we tell ourselves or that other people tell us. It is impossible to overreact.

-Adam Phillips, On Being Too Much for Ourselves

Words. I’ll make them better. More goodly.

The more I write, the more I’ll figure out how to say things the way I want to say them. So no matter how stupid I think I sound, I just need to keep on writing–clarifying my thoughts.

So then… When I’m talking about focusing on myself first and being a bit selfish, what I mean is that I can’t help others if my own life is in havoc. I read something on Quora yesterday that really was a great analogy. When you’re on an airplane, they tell you to put on your own oxygen mask before helping others. That’s because you can’t help others if you’re passed the shit out.

The absolute first way to calm down and control my life is to organize it. It worked in grade school when they had us use planners, so why not use the same method? Write down what you need/want to do every day, week, month, and even year. I could just use a sketchbook and/or the simple planner that I already have.

There’s this notebook called The Spark Notebook that’s better than most planners. I’m not buying it because I already have tons of sketchbooks already (and am loyal to Moleskines!), but I’m gonna promote them since I’m using some ideas in my sketchbook. They lay out the year/month/week stuff and also have inspiration/aspiration pages in addition to regular notebook pages. Take a look at their guidelines. Their notebook has a whole bunch of little rectangle sections to make it more fun to fill out. I’m just going to freehand boxes when I feel like it’s necessary.

Anyway, I need to discipline myself better. More reading, writing, expressing, arting. Jake is going to begin making our dining table soon, woo hoo! I’m kinda tired of doing my art on the floor or in bed. I just need a big flat surface. I plan on filling up my current Moleskine by the end of this year…

I really just have to set myself up for success. Being lazy mentally and physically will just bring me down again. I won’t let that happen.

Kinda better second post…

Congratulations.

Thanks, Facebook. We don’t get to express ourselves anymore because nobody blogs anymore or cares about other’s blogs. We’re all maybe a bit too focused on how to make everyone know what amazing thing we’re doing, what baller lifestyle we have, and how fucking pretty we are. Well, fuckeetall! I need to write. I need to open up my mind more than mere little snippets of everyone else’s lives.

Focus on yourself and everything else will fall into place. Isn’t that supposed to lead to a fucking happy, carefree, and meaningful life? Well, kinda yeah. Excuse my language, but maybe I’m a little bitter. Sometime in the past few years I stopped focusing on myself. I didn’t “profitez!” anymore. I can’t dwell on the past,  though, so I’m gonna just make it better from now on. You can’t just please everyone else in the world. You need to have some selfishness. Not gloating or boasting. Your life is yours. If you end up never happy, well, that’s just stupid and shitty.

This blog is to record my mental health during my little journey in the next year. Or two. Or whatever. Because I’ll be on my way to making my life better. I’m going to begin studying for my AREs. That’s the Architect Registration Examinations! The first incentive to put myself through them is that I’ll probably get paid more. When you don’t have to worry about bills, rent, and loans every month you kiiinda worry less. More importantly is that I’ll become more productive at work. I’ll be more useful, and when people feel like they contribute, they don’t feel like a piece of shit burden on others. So. Yes. That is important. Lastly, I’ll have way more freedom in what I want to do in the future. Architecture thesis–I’m comin’ for ya!

Apologies in advance for all the pessimistic, Debbie Downer shit (and cursing). It’s gonna be like that for a while. But I’ll get better. I always do.

Man, shitty first post.